When people say I’m pretty….

Or beautiful…

Or cute….

Or whatever….

Why can I not just take….

The compliment they give me….

I think I’m ugly….

I can never look pretty….

I hate my face….

I hate my body….

Nothing is good about me….

I’m ugly inside and out….

When I close my eyes….

I see a different person….

I sometimes wonder….

If who I see….

Is who everyone else sees….

One day maybe I’ll be happy….

With the way I look….

One day….

I won’t hate the person….

Who looks back at me….

Everyday…..

I DON’T KNOW WHY PEOPLE SUDDENLY START HATING ON YOSHIKI AND X JAPAN. IF YOU WOULD ONLY LOOK AT THE THINGS HE HAS DONE IN THE PAST, NOT ONLY FOR X, BUT FOR OTHER PEOPLE AS WELL, INCLUDING HIS ENOURMOUS LOVE FOR FANS! THIS MAN JUST WANTS TO DO WHAT HE LIKES, MUSIC IS HIS DEDICATION AND PASSION AND HE ONLY WANTS TO SUCCEED OUTSIDE ASIA AS WELL AND PEOPLE WHO CAN’T RESPECT HIS WILL AND X JAPAN, BETTER SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY, THEN DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!

Every time I see him….

My heart grows heavy…..

And begins to hide…

I can’t bring myself….

To say what I want to…..

Out of fear….

What I want to say….

Would hurt…..

I can’t stand hurting someone….

But all I’m doing…..

Is hurting myself….

Sometimes I think….

That I give off….

A vibe that’s not good….

Around him….

Because of our history….

Continue to allow him…..

To be close by….

Because I don’t want to lose….

A good friend….

I want to tell him….

To butt out of my problems….

I know he’s just trying to help….

But this is something….

I must do on my own….

I accept support for what I do….

But do not want to be told what to do….

My depression is none of his business….

It is my problem….

My pain….

My tears…..

This is something I want to deal with….

On my own….

To become stronger…

And be proud of myself….

Of how far I have come….

Not to be told….

That I’ve gotten worse….

And that I’m not improving….

When these words are said….

I feel the dirt slip under my feet….

In this tall hole I live in….

I slip down…. down…..

I catch my grip….

And let the tears fall….

I don’t want to fall down….

Because I know I would not….

Find the strength to climb back up….

I hate myself sometimes….

For being such a coward….

I feel like a failure….

Wonder if I really have gotten better…..

But I know in my heart…..

That I have gotten better….

I’ve got to keep that feeling….

Alive in my heart….

And let the tears fall….

To tell me….

I am alive….

Ya know…..

It’s great when you want to help…..

Someone with depression…

But there’s one thing…..

You have to understand…..

The person has to be ready….

You can’t force them…..

To talk to someone…..

About their feelings….

The more you push….

The more we hide….

I’ve been pushed many times….

Only once was I ready….

And yes….

 It did help to talk….

But shit happens….

And I can’t continue…..

So I work at it alone…

Or with friends….

I feel I have improved….

But I do have my moments…..

As with anyone….

With major stress in their life…..

But the sun does come out….

Eventually….

“Don’t worry about me….

I’ll be just fine….”

Is what I say….

And I do mean it…..

I’m stronger than some think….

And get through it…..

In my own special way….

So for now….

I will just dream….

And keep the light in my heart….

It’s what gets me through….

Til I can truly….

Be happy…

For someone like me….

Being positive is a hard thing to do…..

When all you think…..

Is about the negative….

The past few days…..

I have been trying….

To keep the positive….

In the front of my mind….

To keep me from slipping….

Into the darkness…

But it is proving difficult….

With current events in my life….

Where I am….

It’s hard to get a job….

All require years of schooling…

Or experience….

To even get you in the door….

I may have experience….

But in the wrong fields….

I have schooling….

But I never finished…..

I am being screwed out of jobs…..

Just for what’s on a piece of paper….

I work very hard….

Harder than some…..

I am a good person…..

Kind…..

Helpful…..

But no one sees that….

Because it’s not a piece of paper….

I am very poor….

I don’t go out…..

I don’t buy anything….

I don’t even eat some days…..

All my earnings….

Get used in my expenses….

Rent…. Debt….. Bills…..

It’s all gone…..

Now I know what people think….

Just get another job….

Move somewhere cheaper…..

Sell stuff….

It’s not that easy for me…..

When you live in a town….

With a low minimum wage….

And high living expenses…..

Who knows what will happen….

I just keep trying….

To stay positive…..

And to not slip…..

I’m just sick and tired….

Of getting screwed….

It really is true….

That nice guys (or girls)…..

Finish last…..

Today was just too nice outside to stay indoors. So I grabbed my camera and a doll I hadn’t played with in a long time, Suzuna.

I walked to this small field behind an old building just behind my apartment. It was full of little daisies and the smell reminded me of elementary school XD

I didn’t stay long, but got some cool pictures while I was there. It was nice to get out and feel the wind and the sun.

It hurts…..

It hurts so bad….

I can feel the tears coming…..

I’m so angry….

My heart beats fast…..

And makes my chest hurt….

Why can’t some people….

Just drop a conversation….

When it clearly upsets the other…..

They just keep pushing….

And pushing….

Until they break….

Yelling….

So much yelling….

I walked away….

I didn’t deserve the pain…..

He didn’t want to listen to me…..

But I didn’t want to listen to him either…..

I know he’s just wanting to help….

But I can’t trust him….

The pain he caused me….

Still runs very deep…..

I can’t get over it….

So in turn….

Makes me very bitter towards him….

Sometimes I wonder….

If I should just cut ties…..

But I don’t want to lose a friend….

Not again….

So now I blame myself again…..

For everything wrong….

But at the same time…..

I blame him…..

For pushing he’s ideals….

And not putting my feelings into account….

Even though…..

I know he tries….

He doesn’t understand how I think…..

Even if he says he does…..

Just because he’s known me for so long….

He doesn’t know shit…..

Nothing at all….

My eyes are burning….

The tears are falling….

My chest still hurts….

I won’t be sleeping tonight….

The rage fills my heart….

Along with the sadness….

I will listen to my music….

To help calm me….

And reflect….

Regret…..

Blame….

Pity….

Cry…..

And…..

……..

Who knows….

confessions-about-depression:

a submission from em0ti0nalbullshit